About me
Hi, I'm Tedward. I'm a 41 year old biologist who has dealt with mental health issues since I was a teenager. There, I've finally said it. I've been dealing with anxiety, depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideations for more than half my life. I think of them as being 4 dastardly demons lurking around my brain.
For many years fear of judgement, alienation, and recrimination has kept me from seeking help. Recent life events have, however, forced me to deal with the wetware slopping around in this thick skull of mine. Unfortunately, the anxious side of my being is is really standing in the way of progress. That particular demon puts a dread in me whenever I try to keep a secret, any secret, and this is the mother of all secrets. For years, this particular demon has been successful at making me fear practically everything and yet really nothing – essentially a fear of fear.
This blog stems from the journal I have been keeping as part of my therapy. I hope this blog can be a way for me to communicate my journey – trek if you will – to those in my life my attempts in coming to better terms with my mental health. The act of writing forcing me to deal with the thoughts in my head and the imposed regularity of writing a means to overcome the depression demon telling me "fuck it, it ain't worth it". I am setting as a goal to blog minimally once a week. If I fail to meet this, it's probably a sign that my depression demon is winning, so please reach out to me and push me to write more!
For many years fear of judgement, alienation, and recrimination has kept me from seeking help. Recent life events have, however, forced me to deal with the wetware slopping around in this thick skull of mine. Unfortunately, the anxious side of my being is is really standing in the way of progress. That particular demon puts a dread in me whenever I try to keep a secret, any secret, and this is the mother of all secrets. For years, this particular demon has been successful at making me fear practically everything and yet really nothing – essentially a fear of fear.
This blog stems from the journal I have been keeping as part of my therapy. I hope this blog can be a way for me to communicate my journey – trek if you will – to those in my life my attempts in coming to better terms with my mental health. The act of writing forcing me to deal with the thoughts in my head and the imposed regularity of writing a means to overcome the depression demon telling me "fuck it, it ain't worth it". I am setting as a goal to blog minimally once a week. If I fail to meet this, it's probably a sign that my depression demon is winning, so please reach out to me and push me to write more!
How I got here
I first became seriously interested pursuing a career in scientific research in the 6th grade. I can point definitively to that point because a new disease, AIDS, was all over the news and we learned a little bit about HIV in health class that year. I recall asking far too many questions during that class and walking away thinking it'd be great if someone could find a vaccine or cure for that.
While I was hooked, it never really occurred to me to ask the question "why not me?". So, I read about this and other viruses in my spare time, took biology and other science classes throughout high school and college. In spite of that, my depression demon never allowed me to perceive myself to be remotely qualified to do science. I took the long way through academia because while I had set myself up to pursue a career there, I never felt qualified to take the next step and it usually took outside forces to spur me on. That same feeling of inadequacy steered me away from competitive fields of study.
Helpful prods along the way came from friends, family and mentors, but exterior stimuli could only carry me so far. I spent the second half of 2019 coming to grips with the fact that I no longer desired a career in academia, the only real big picture goal I've had in my life. But in this struggle, the anxiety and depressive demons have really taken control over my brain – leaving me nearly unable to initiate tasks in either my professional or private life. Am I terrified to death as to what comes next? Hell yeah! But, fear has dictated too much of my life already, so it can fuck right the fuck off. I'm doing this shit! It's on to the next stage of my life, whatever form that may take.
While I was hooked, it never really occurred to me to ask the question "why not me?". So, I read about this and other viruses in my spare time, took biology and other science classes throughout high school and college. In spite of that, my depression demon never allowed me to perceive myself to be remotely qualified to do science. I took the long way through academia because while I had set myself up to pursue a career there, I never felt qualified to take the next step and it usually took outside forces to spur me on. That same feeling of inadequacy steered me away from competitive fields of study.
Helpful prods along the way came from friends, family and mentors, but exterior stimuli could only carry me so far. I spent the second half of 2019 coming to grips with the fact that I no longer desired a career in academia, the only real big picture goal I've had in my life. But in this struggle, the anxiety and depressive demons have really taken control over my brain – leaving me nearly unable to initiate tasks in either my professional or private life. Am I terrified to death as to what comes next? Hell yeah! But, fear has dictated too much of my life already, so it can fuck right the fuck off. I'm doing this shit! It's on to the next stage of my life, whatever form that may take.
Why the Appalachian Trail?
I don't know how common this is, but in order for me to kick the depression demon in the balls and get to doing something I need a big, tough, yet achievable goal to be off in the distance. Until now, the only real such goal I allowed into my life was professional. I sacrificed and mortgaged much of life in attempting to achieve that goal. Hiking has always been a passion of mine and thru-hiking the AT has been on my bucket list, so it seems logical (in my mind) to make this task the next big goal in my life.
I'm sure some (most?) people think this as being a selfish goal. Throwing away whatever I have achieved academically to "find myself" or whatever. I rather think of it as mental health therapy. A way for me to get a better handle on the anxiety and fears that rule my life – sort of exposure therapy, if you will.
I'm sure some (most?) people think this as being a selfish goal. Throwing away whatever I have achieved academically to "find myself" or whatever. I rather think of it as mental health therapy. A way for me to get a better handle on the anxiety and fears that rule my life – sort of exposure therapy, if you will.
Goals to work toward on the trail
I've never felt comfortable with anything I perceived as being indulgent. This is probably not the right word, but what I mean is that I perceive having ambitions as being indulgent, as I do not deserve to achieve them. Obviously, this can be a fine, even healthy, thought. Surely, no rational person with my CV would dream of winning a Nobel Prize, right? Unfortunately, this has become the default feeling any time I embark on any activities outside work. I'm hoping that by undertaking such an admittedly indulgent thing I can push the Overton window in my brain back and re-claim a freedom to actually enjoy some of life instead of beating myself up for wanting to enjoy my time on this pale blue dot.
Depression has caused me to avoid undertaking many things in my life. My depression demon rears its ugly head to whisper "fuck it, it ain't worth it" whenever a barrier arises, a misstep occurs, or things don't go according to plans. I'm a world class expert at identifying barriers, spotting pitfalls, and identifying flaws in similar past decisions. Thus, the depression demon has an easy time in talking me out of doing pretty much anything (think Jim Carrey's character from Yes Man). As I I have always found tackling physical challenges easier than interpersonal, mental, and/or emotional ones, I hope to use the achievements on the trail as ammunition for telling the depression demon to pound sand when faced with challenges elsewhere in my life. A bit of "if I can do the AT, I can do anything" if you will.
I have allowed social anxiety to dictate so many aspects of my life to date. When pondering things, I believe the origins of my anxiety to be a feeling of inadequacy I hold so deep it feels like it's the core of my being. I feel unworthy of imposing myself upon others. I will be forced to seek assistance on the trail, out of sheer necessity. I hope that through repetition, I can become more comfortable with such interactions – much as I have with giving public presentations on my research.
Depression has caused me to avoid undertaking many things in my life. My depression demon rears its ugly head to whisper "fuck it, it ain't worth it" whenever a barrier arises, a misstep occurs, or things don't go according to plans. I'm a world class expert at identifying barriers, spotting pitfalls, and identifying flaws in similar past decisions. Thus, the depression demon has an easy time in talking me out of doing pretty much anything (think Jim Carrey's character from Yes Man). As I I have always found tackling physical challenges easier than interpersonal, mental, and/or emotional ones, I hope to use the achievements on the trail as ammunition for telling the depression demon to pound sand when faced with challenges elsewhere in my life. A bit of "if I can do the AT, I can do anything" if you will.
I have allowed social anxiety to dictate so many aspects of my life to date. When pondering things, I believe the origins of my anxiety to be a feeling of inadequacy I hold so deep it feels like it's the core of my being. I feel unworthy of imposing myself upon others. I will be forced to seek assistance on the trail, out of sheer necessity. I hope that through repetition, I can become more comfortable with such interactions – much as I have with giving public presentations on my research.